Maybe I am being a little bit dramatic when I say that I am writing this post under duress. It is not as though I have a gun to my head, however there is something about it that feels like I do. Let me explain.
As I am writing this my brain feels fried; it is a certain time of the night where I am not meant to be where I am and I desperately need a break from what I have been doing the whole day. Maybe just a little change of scenery will do the trick, some pillows fluffy like clouds, baby soft blanket, silky soft sheets…or just a bed in any shape or form can lessen the sense of duress I feel.
I have come to that age in my life where my bedtime is slowly winding down to the hour when a 10-year-old child is meant to be in bed.
Ahhhh…bedtime.
The one word that made my emotions swing through the entire spectrum of emotions from sheer glee to indescribable rage. Both extremes were unwarranted, but then again, when you tie your sense of freedom and expression to the time you sleep, it becomes a whole other ball game. Most especially when you are young and energetic.
Now that I am older, I barely understand why I had such a complicated relationship with sleep. And by younger, I mean up until 3 years ago.
Fighting sleep was one of the most unnecessary causes I embarked on ranging from my desire to be productive to just having more time to spend watching TV. My child brain believed that the power of the TV remote control was the ultimate form of power. And I sacrificed this pursuit on the altar of being sleep deprived.
I augmented this desire for power with other pursuits such as the pursuit of equality; I should have the same screen time as all members of the family, and the freedom from discrimination; I should watch what everyone was watching despite my tender age.
It is important to remember that TV unlike the internet had a more fatalistic air to it, in that once that program was aired it was gone forever. That made the power of the remote control more potent than that of the Wi-Fi password.
Despite the fact that sleeping instead of watching TV would not be of much help now, since it cannot make me less sleep deprived I would at least have the peace of mind that I slept when I had the chance to.
The irony of life is that when I have the power to stay up late as long as I want to, all I really want to do is sleep.
Maybe all I need to learn from all this is that life is better enjoyed when we are present rather than fixating on a perceived perfect end. That instead of fighting for a perfect sense of freedom to watch TV I should allow myself to sleep when I can.
Tianshi Omari 